On Fear and Anxiety 👾

Lately I’ve been wrestling with how to not live in bondage to fear. Or be consumed by it. Or numb it by binge watching 13 Reasons Why. And if anyone has seen this show you know it’s probably the WORST show to watch if you’re an anxious or fearful person.

Right now my fear is all about my babies. How it starts is usually I hear or read a tragic story of someone losing their child or being kidnapped or having a terrible accident. Then almost in an instant I think...this could happen to me.. and I let it consume me. I dwell on the story, never vocally but quietly in my thoughts throughout the day until I physically feel sick. Then I start micromanaging people (mostly Jeffrey). "Don't let the ceiling fan hit her!" has actually come out of my mouth. 

There are two scriptures that I've been going back to again and again on this topic:

2 Corinthians 10:5

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

These verses point to combating anxiety and fear by training my mind. It reminds me to not give into the temptations to be anxious. This is kind of eye opening to me. Like I have some voice in this matter. Or at least how long I allow myself to dwell on a thought. I've used the excuse for so long "Oh I'm just anxious.” or “it's normal to be afraid of that" as if I can't help it. God’s been showing me this week that my fear can be sinful. It's a choice I make to not trust God and instead clench things close to my chest in constant fear they will be taken away. I was talking about it with Jeffrey this week and I actually said "I just don't believe that God will protect my babies from harm. So I have to." To which he replied…”wut.” I don't honestly believe that, at least not intellectually. But that is absolutely how I am living my life when I let fear and anxiety rule in my heart and impact my decisions.

As Easter nears I've been thinking about Jesus in the garden. Specifically his words: Not my will but yours be done.

Jesus showed me the posture I should have. And this wasn't easy for him either. He was sweating drops of blood as he prayed this prayer about going to the cross. But when he was afraid he prayed earnestly, and so should I.

God is tangibly teaching me this right now. On this very trip. You guys I did not want to leave my babies for the first time to come this weekend. I let myself get so consumed with fear. I let my mind run rampant on worst case scenarios. I even tried to get affirmation for my fears from other people to tell me what I wanted to hear.

That I shouldn't go. That my fears were valid. That my kids need me. 

But God didn't let me take the easy way out this time. These women spoke truth over me and encouraged me to GO. To take this opportunity to be with other women and encourage my spirit. And to tangibly trust God with my kids. To choose freedom this time instead of bondage by fear. One friend reminded me of 1 Timothy 1:7: for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and discipline.

Now I know this may not specifically resonate with you and I almost didn't share it because I convinced myself no one would relate or you all would walk away thinking I'm crazy and overbearing. (I’m working on it…)

But then I realized that fear is universal. It can, if we don't keep it in check, rob us of the life God has called us to. It can steal moments of joy and peace from us. And I think Satan absolutely wants us to stay in that place of fear and be paralyzed from doing things that God calls us to. Babies are just the newest vessel, but it definitely hasn't always been this.

§

A source of anxiety and fear has always been money or being afraid there won’t be enough. I’ve also been afraid of job provision or housing coming through.

§

A year ago when we first moved I struggled to trust Good would provide community during a time when I felt really lonely.

§

I've been paralyzed by the fear of my past—afraid the things I've done will irrevocably mess with my future or my marriage or my ability to have children. 

§

I've lived in fear of bringing my sin to the light, afraid that I would be judged or looked down on. I’ve been afraid to invite people in, and instead am tempted to try to hide.  

I want to encourage all of you this morning and say I am right there with you. Don't let fear keep you captive. Get to the root of what you fear/ makes you anxious. Pray earnestly about it like Jesus did in the garden.  Find scriptures that speak to your fears and ease your mind. And most importantly find women who will be honest with you when you need to hear it. That is why I'm here this weekend with you and I'm so thankful I chose joy and peace this time. Little victories, right?