It's hard 😭

These past few months have been all about learning new rhythms. Being okay with change. Finding a new routine. Getting to know a new baby. Struggling to find out who I am now. We are in a new city, with new friends (okay just 2 friends), being comfortable in a changing and expanding body, and emotions that throw me for a loop constantly. I’d love to say that this transition has been so natural. That I’ve just glided right into it.

But that would just be a big fat lie.

I have kicked and screamed my way through it (poor Jeffrey…). I’ve been so frustrated at how dang hard it’s been. Which is hilarious because change is consistent in that it’s consistently hard. It was so hard  for me to move to California 8 years ago. Man I remember days when I would sit in my room alone, in an apartment I found on Craigslist, miles away from family, with no friends—thinking what the heck…why did I do this? It was hard. And it took a long time for Berkeley to feel like home. Graduating from Pepperdine was also a big change. Friends that knew me and loved me and helped me grow into a person I was proud of. A routine of going to class with a coffee in hand, nannying for the same family I had known years, driving the same route to my favorite restaurants and places to shop. It was familiar and predictable. Graduating was a year-long process of feeling lost and lonely. It took almost the whole year before I felt like I knew who I was apart from Pepperdine (only to go back to work there!)

So now comes another change. And a big one. Or I guess it’s really a combination of several big and little changes. Moving to a city I swore I never would live in (you guys, God’s humor. Never tell him you won’t move someplace. He’ll show you.). Leaving a job I loved to a job within the home, which requires me giving all my energy and attention to our baby. Leaving community that had been built over 5 years, to a place where I have one friend (side note—sometimes ONE friend is all you need to get through some seasons). Being able to make my favorite coffee and enjoy it every morning to giving up caffeine for the sweet babe growing inside me. Going from feeling generally healthy to hanging over the toilet every morning and wanting to go back to sleep when I’ve only been up for an hour. And the hormones. All of the feelings, all of the time. Like I said, both little and big changes. But there were a lot of them. And I somehow expected that I could just adjust flawlessly. That I would just…change. That I’d be comfortable right away because I was so excited about this move for our family. The fact is, it’s not comfortable. I’ve often felt like I don’t know who I am in this season (“identity crisis” has been thrown out in my more dramatic moments…). I’ve tried to grasp at anything that is familiar. To be honest—my relationship with God has even felt different. Like when my surroundings changed and my routine shifted—all of a sudden I don’t know how to connect with Him. What used to “work” now just falls flat. And I’m frustrated! Because I’m a creature of habit and routine and when I sit down and journal God is supposed to show up and speak to me OKAY?!?!

Instead I’ve just felt silence and awkwardness in this season with the Lord. I finally had a moment. And you guys it wasn’t a pretty “Come to Jesus” moment. It was an ugly crying on my steering wheel sort of moment. I just finally lost it. I cried and I prayed and I told God how lost I was. How guilty I’ve been feeling in this season where He has blessed me! I mean, didn’t I ASK Him to open doors for us to move to Turlock? Didn’t I WANT to take some time off work to spend more with Elle? Didn’t I PRAY that we would get pregnant again? So how come now that we have all of these blessings, do I feel so burdened by them? Why am I struggling to be grateful? Why is this so hard God?

He didn’t answer me in that moment. Sitting in the car by myself, pouring out my heart to him. He didn’t tell me what to do or how to fix it. But I did realize one thing—I was having a hard time with the change. And that was okay. It was okay to feel sad and frustrated and lost. In fact in was normal and to be expected. Every season of change has looked a bit clumsy for me. I remembered that I survived each of those seasons. Eventually I adjusted. Eventually I found my way back to routine and rhythms and familiarity.

In the weeks following my “car breakdown”, I started to see things differently. My heart has been more open to what the Lord wants to teach me in this season. The ways He wants to change me and give me new purpose. For instance—I feel called to sit still, to be okay with a slower pace, to be fine with my days looking like changing diapers and chasing around a squealing baby and cleaning the kitchen floor for the umpteenth time because she threw all her food on the ground again. To be on my phone less, and to be with my daughter more. I feel called to step back and look at my marriage and invest in it in ways that I didn’t have the time/energy/space to do so before. To learn how to cook new recipes and serve my family by having dinner ready every night (This ones hard for me. When I say I’m a creature of habit—I could literally eat the same thing every night for dinner and not care). I feel called in this season to let God work on the areas of my life I know (and have known for years) are flawed—like my quick tongue and lack of patience.

Lastly I feel like my faith is changing. I’m not quite sure how to describe this one. But I am trying to be open to new ways God is showing up in my life. Ways that may be different from how I’ve experienced him over the past 6 years living in LA. I’m trying to learn more about who He is through being a mom. I’m listening to new podcasts from new perspectives that are really challenging my faith (messy parenting from a catholic perspective is blowing my mind. You’ve got to check it out). I’m trying to sit still more often. To quiet my busybody. To stop DOING and fighting to feel important to others. Honestly I’m trying to feel enough with just the label of “beloved”. Nothing more and nothing less.

And you know what I’m finding?

It’s hard.

But it’s also sweet and freeing and I’m trying to enjoy all the different parts, even those breakdowns, because I know I’m going to look back on this time in my life and think—man that was a good season, a season where I learned so much and grew a ton. So—if you are also in a whirlwind of change, feeling a little lost and craving familiarity—just remember it’s okay to feel ALL of it and acknowledge that it's hard. Call a friend or go cry in the car. I swear it will make you feel better.