I'M FINE! 😫

If you've ever seen Italian Job then you know exactly what fine stands for. Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic and Emotional. Sometimes that's how I feel as of late. 

Elle turned three months last week. I remember when I was pregnant talking to other mamas about the first three months being called the “fourth trimester” where the baby is more of a fetus than a baby. She still wants to be held all the time, eat all the time, and be bounced or swayed all the time—to recreate the womb which she spent the first nine months of her life in. When Elle was born the first two weeks felt like eternity because we went from silence to baby cries. Being hands-free to holding a fragile little baby. Relaxing on the couch together at night to bouncing our baby on the exercise ball until she fell asleep. That three month mark seemed distant and if anything, was feeling further and further away by the day. But then around four weeks we started to get into a rhythm. We started to learn our daughter and how to best care for her. And Jeffrey and I learned how to work together in a whole new way. Now I can hardly believe that our little baby is three months.

One of the most common questions I get these days is…”how do you like being a mom?” Without even thinking I drive into the script of how it’s so wonderful and there is nothing like it. Which is all true of course. But I haven’t quite allowed myself to process through the darker and scarier moments of motherhood. Like how I still lay awake some nights listening to our daughter breathe...and when I can’t hear her I’ll get out of bed, shine my iPhone flashlight right on her face to make sure her chest is moving up and down, up and down.  Because the thought that I am the parent and no one else is going to make sure my daughter continues to breathe is so terrifying.

Or my thoughts will wander during the day, overwhelmed with fear and sadness about going back to work and handing over my daughter to another person between 8am-5pm. And I know, I know MILLIONS of women do this, and it is possible and it's just a transition…but in those moments my heart screams that I AM ELLE'S MAMA and I can protect her from ____________. Fill in the blank. Choking. Being kidnapped. Getting in a car accident while driving. Falling. Even being sad for goodness sakes! It sounds so ridiculous but here I am typing this and already getting anxious and sweaty thinking about it. I’ve only been a mom for three months but this protective instinct for Elle feels like it’s been ingrained in me forever. It can be paralyzing to think about so usually I will force it out and think about something else.

One of my closest girlfriends checked in with me the other day and asked how I was feeling about going back to work. I dove into all the fears I had about leaving Elle. I ended up realizing that really the root of it is that it makes me sad that I'll be giving up my role as her full-time mama. Making sure she’s loved and cared for and safe. It hurts my heart thinking about it, even though I love my job and am excited to get back to it. 

My friend replied, with so much love and grace, that we can stand confident in feeling God’s hand in this matter. He orchestrated and opened up a door for us to have a close friend of ours watch Elle, someone who has such a heart for little ones and is so gentle. Also God knows what Elle needs, and He is fighting for her well-being. If there is anyone we can trust in planning her day care, it is Him.

And just like that I was reminded that God loves Elle more than Jeffrey or I ever could. Parenting can be scary, BUT the truth is that it is not all up to me to make sure Elle is still breathing at night. Elle has a Father that cares so deeply about her and knows her even more intimately than I do. He knit her together in my womb and formed her with such great detail and attention.

He’s got her.

I needed to be reminded in this season to let go of control. To pray for our baby and then trust that our Father has her. I guarantee this will be a lesson I learn over and over again throughout the years, and I guarantee I will have to continue turning back to the truth again and again. But for now, in this moment, I sit with peace in my heart knowing that Elle could not be in better hands, because they are His. 

Joshua 1:9: This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.